To Exit This Strange Theater

To Exit This Strange Theater
© Surazeus
2018 06 09

Caressing her handbag on cafe table,
and eating gourmet breakfast of fried eggs
and sliced apples with honey and peach jam,
Carla gazes in glitter of his eyes.

"The only time I thought of suicide
and ending this life I savor with joy
was when I suffered excruciating pain
that seemed to tear my brain in bleeding shreds.
Sometimes it starts somewhere inside my flesh,
small throbbing ache that spreads throughout my nerves
and burns brighter till it sears in my brain,
and I become brittle as shattered glass.
Then all the pleasures I have treasured most,
talking with honest friends, reading good books,
walking in nature, and eating sweet food,
vanish from memory like smoke in fierce wind.
Yet even when the pain was at its worst,
permeating my whole body with horror,
as if I was always red fire in cold storm,
the agony stretched my consciousness wide.
The searing pain seemed to push against bounds
of truth I cherish to experience more
sensation till sharp pain would dissipate
and fade like fire without wood to burn.
The horrible pain that would grip my body
seemed like some brutal war of chemicals
smashing each other to restore the balance
of natural functions that had spiraled wild.
Once fire of wrenching pain burned through my flesh,
consuming the virus that had invaded
sanctum of my soul, I felt flush of pleasure
blow waves of twisting sensations to thread
fragments of my shattered soul whole again.
Pleasure replaced the agonizing pain.
While the pain gripped my body with sharp claws
I longed for the blank nothingness of death.
I wanted to fade into mindless sea
of swirling atoms that form spinning world,
dispersing fragments of my soul in soil
so I would become soft grass in the breeze.
The atoms of my body always pulse
with bright agony of eternal light
that throbs with ecstasy of urgent beams
since the First Flash flared forth all being.
When lost in agony of searing pain
I contemplated suicide as way
to escape crippling depression of fear
and banish despair with power of my choice.
Since I have power to destroy this frail body,
to end the suffering of mind-blowing pain,
I gain sudden strength to endure the pain,
because once I die I cannot return.
The egg of my mother, sparked by the seed
of my father, transformed into this body
that generates my sense of consciousness
which functions while by body operates.
In all the history of our hungry species,
who struggle to survive on this spinning world,
I am unique combination of genes
engendered by my mother in her womb.
No other human of self-conscious being
will I ever be, awake at this time
in the process of our evolving bodies,
emerging from desire of my ancestors.
Even clones generated from my cells
would each conjure their own soul consciousness
so I can only be aware of me,
enclosed always within this fragile body.
Since this body now is the only chance
I will ever have of savoring life
I will endure the most agonizing pain
because all pain fades and blooms into pleasure.
If ever pain becomes too much to handle
and overwhelms all pleasures I desire
then I would choose to exercise free will
to exit this strange theater of life.
Each time I suffered excruciating pain
deeper capacity for savoring pleasure
expanded my consciousness of awareness
so I treasure more time with loving friends.
So that is why I want to marry you
and savor all the pleasures life provides
together on the winding road of life
till natural course of age destroys my body.
Though I sometimes suffer terrible pain
I more often savor pleasures of joy,
thus I want to make new child with your soul
so we become one new person of flesh.
Since we will die in the process of time
after we taste all the pleasures of life
and suffer consciousness-expanding pain
we must reincarnate in child of our souls."

Holding her hands with his, he beams with joy,
and kisses her mouth till the end of time
and all the world spins around their still point,
then he whispers, "I feel the same as you."