Begin Again As Atom

Begin Again As Atom
© Surazeus
2025 01 10

"I cannot begin again as weak speck of dust 
caught in winds that break both mountains and seas 
because I know now nature and the world 
are blindly indifferent that I exist, 
so I flow with harsh grinding of sea change, 
going nowhere to lands across the sea." 

Philip lies in bed in bare white-walled room, 
watching gulls outside the smudged window swirl 
above black ships that come from far away 
with treasures pilfered from temples of gods 
who turned to stone thousands of years ago, 
and writes letters of blood on moonless sky. 

"I tried to enter progress of my life, 
but I got lost at sea too long ago 
to even remember face of my mother 
that should have been warm with her selfless love, 
but hardened from fear into bitter rage 
at everyone who ever done her wrong." 

Philip watches dawn light fill his bare room 
with eager passion for dramatic scenes 
where his deeds leave grand legacy of hope, 
but faceless people come and take his things 
so he becomes nameless with eyes that see 
everything that happens around the world. 

"Alone in sorrow of familiar loss, 
I want to fly among the long-dead stars 
high above the black waste of moonless waters 
which always comforts me in my despair 
that I am stuck inside this doorless room, 
groping forever nowhere in cold gloom." 

Philip reaches his hand across the sky 
to grasp the moon of bitter happiness 
he knows is not as real as his sore heart 
because he wants play grand narrative, 
yet must detach his heart from false desire 
to find his freedom in the everywhere. 

"I begin again as atom of light 
that flares forth from first flash of the big bang 
to spiral into countless galaxies 
that mold globes which generate conscious life 
so I rise from the lake and eat the fruit, 
then build food-production empires on faith." 

Tired from surviving the pain of hope, 
Philip stands and melts atoms of his flesh 
deep in blank infinity of the wall 
so he becomes the door through which he walks 
to dance with writhing ache of ecstasy 
among indifferent trees of faceless ghosts.